Freak Out

Have you ever had so much to do that you sat yourself down and didn't do a damn thing?

I've been there. Well, actually, I'm there right now. You're probably really busy being productive so I'll keep your spot warm while you're off doing stuff. Then you may read this while you're procrastinating some day. And I like it when you read my blog, but I'm all up into honesty these days.

You procrastinating, friend. 

Procrastinating monkeys.

I have so much to say to you! It's the same concept.

There is so much to write about. 

But it's all a lot so I'm going to write about nothing. Which works for this blog about nothing.

The first thing that comes to mind these days:

My pregnancy. By the way, I will run thru the streets naked with my preg, weird body if this becomes a pregnancy blog. Which streets? I didn't say, did I?

NO, it will continue to be a big blob of random yoga, nutrition, vegetarianism and new-aginess in the MS Delta, philosophy, music, reading and writing, art, cynical yet thoroughly optimistic ramblings, spiritual sweet-nothings, and nonsense. I've already alienated enough people with my overly open information about this, my first pregnancy. 

Tough-ass moms get groomed. Look at that head. I can't get over that little black head.

Which has up and boomed over night. And gotten a lot better. 'Cause I tell you, sister, it was rough there for a while. But who's going to be the first tough-ass woman to complain about it? Not me! No sir! Pregnant women are tough all of a sudden. I know, because I am one. We're acting tough one second, and then freaking out and bawling uncontrollably over a jolly rancher the next. Then we shrug off getting slammed into by a crazy driver. Then someone like me drifts off into a daydream about karma and what God is trying to tell me through this fender bender. 

Oh my. Maybe motherhood will slap the over-thinking out of me.

But I doubt it. Maybe a girl never changes. Maybe this offspring will also ponder and wonder about every little thing and what it means too. Then I'll get mine. "Don't worry about it little William, pecans just fall in the fall. That's what happens. No squirrel is mad at you. Everyone loves you." And you're as sensitive as both of your parents. I'm afraid the little babe's going to come out with sensors all over her body (girl named William? I've thought about it--also thought about a boy named Sue--to honor both Johnny Cash and my grandmother). I mean, we're the most sensitive people I know. Right here in this house. I digress.

Anyway, to explain to you why I haven't written anything since way before harvest, I'll just say: 

I freaked out. I found out I was pregnant, and it was a crazy moment I'll never forget. It blurred my activity for at least a week after I saw the little blue line. Major freak-out session.

Freaking out with a monkey and a banana (explained at end of the post).

Then I was so fatigued out in June and July, opening my laptop became an effort like lifting weights; a lot of time was spent sitting on the floor next to john (a useful, efficient fellow, who takes care of business but is oft misunderstood); and basically 'getting ready' to do this or that, which meant moving very very slowly because I was so freaking tired.

Then somewhere towards the end of that 'personal growth' month I realized it was time to leave the country for another personal growth month. 

I went to Bali. For a month. Like I said. 

This is me with a baby monkey on my hip in Ubud, Bali.
Began to give it that banana, when a bigger monkey came and
freaked on me. The little one disappeared, and the big one started
crawling me like King Kong on the Empire State Building.
So I threw the banana in the air and freaked out (pic above).
Monkeys are so aggressive. It's crazy.

Why? Why not? Yoga. Big teacher training situation. For the first 3 weeks.

Awesome. I met so many people I just fell in love with. Truly. From all over the world. You know I was freaking out, just loving it. Everyone was like-minded, fun, determined, yogic, into it.

More about that later or this will become longer than my birth plan. Maybe tomorrow?

Let's get this straight, friend: Bali is literally on the other side of the world from Mississippi. I don't know if I realized it until after I rode 14 hours to make a connecting flight. I just thought yoga in Bali sounded cool. And might not come up for me again. (Internet situation was very 3rd world, maybe harder than getting online out here on the farm--thanks a heep Hughes Net).

Worth it. And I got a few days after the training to relax and explore and watch geckos and rice fields and negotiate/fight with street vendors and drivers.

After I calmed down, I thought I'd give the big
monkey a chance. 

If you don't get spiffy with a cab driver, it's not a real trip. My opinion. Take it or leave it.

Or you could get spiffy with a monkey.

Or anyone. Because if you're pregnant, you're going to get spiffy. With someone or something. 

Could be a router or even a book, just a simple book with terrible writing could send a pregnant lady soaring in angry fumes of green smoke. 

Oh, preg talk.

So which street am I going to have to run through naked with my weird, freaky, pregnant body? 

Well, my street has nothing but rocks and dust. No people, cars, or bikes. Just me and maybe a big green tractor. I never said which street. I didn't. 

And don't Google Earth. I still can't believe how creepy Google has gotten.

So it's okay to freak out. Give yourself a freak-out session. Go ahead and do it. You'll feel better. But please calm your ass down afterward. Moving forward. Blogging back on.

Freakily,

Liza Jane

Pray For Rain

A lot going on with this little fam right now. 

July is a dry and hot month here, and that's just the weather pattern/climate/living in the South/living and working in Mississippi. But it just so happens that this is the month we need some moisture in the ground. Ain't it funny?

And so that's life. There's nothing to do but ask politely, please endow a red dot, maybe even a big green dot over the land. When it doesn't happen, you wonder why not.

But there's nothing to know here. Everything is as it should be. Dry, or wet.

Lately, we've been blessed on several fronts. It's been a crazy spring and summer over here on the inside of this lake and everywhere we've been.

4th of July with the family at Providence.

A beautiful, fun wedding in Baltimore last weekend. Congrats Lauren and Michael!

The best dog on the planet. 

A baby salad--baby spinach, baby tomatoes, baby carrots, baby corns, baby pickles.
It was a terrible salad, not tasty at all. Honestly. I made it. I made it to convey a message to Will's family. Not to eat. Because I looked at this and wanted to throw up. Actually told people not to eat it. It's just for looks. And for general cuteness.  I should have made a sign.

So you've probably guessed by now. We're prego! Surprise! We are so grateful and excited. It's weird, it's crazy, it doesn't feel so good right now actually, but I have never anticipated anything more in my life, and I can't wait to see Will as a father. Once I have the energy, I am going to be ecstatic. 

Expecting couple on the harbor in Baltimore. 

So I do a lot of praying. I pray for rain. I also pray for money. I pray for health. But my biggest prayer was for my heart to be opened somehow, to love and serve all the time, 24/7. The best answers sneak up and surprise the hey out of you. 

You get what you ask for, for the most part. Except if it's rain in July. You're on your own there. It's just not in the cards.

"Man---despite his artistic pretensions, his sophistication, and his many accomplishments---owes his existence to a six-inch layer of topsoil and the fact that it rains." -Unknown (good quote in one of my nutrition books).

Mother Teresa's only prayer was "Thank you."

Nice.

Anticipatory,

Liza Jane

Gypsy In My Soul

Makes me pack up my bags and go,

Looking out at that deep blue sea,

I guess it's just the gypsy in me.

I read a really interesting book recently. It's called The Hero Within by Dr. Carol S. Pearson. She talks about the main six archetypes of our psyches. Basically, by looking at the heroes of major legends, events, stories and literature of human history, we see that the psyche of the human mind is composed of these different prototypes, depending on where we are in life, what kind of family we were raised in, what kind of culture and family we live in now. 

There was one archetype that my mind identified with big time: that of the Wanderer. At least, right now that is where I am. I got to go. I don't know where, but I think it's everywhere. 

Cherry trees at the Tidal Basin last weekend. Washington Monument piercing the blue sky.

So if you are going through a Wanderer phase, you might be doing either some wandering or wondering. Both of are activities of the Wanderer part of your psyche.

President Obama, you in there? We got a lot to talk about, buddy. 

What I mean by that is that the Wanderer takes on many forms: that hippy stage you went through in college, your desire to get away on vacation, your desire to travel the world, the road trip you took last summer, the constant daydreaming at work, the need to learn about a different culture, to read different types of books, learn new stuff, or even the need to live somewhere else (you'll notice a lot of people go off to live somewhere else for a portion of their lives and then come home to stay in the place where they were raised eventually).

Stuart (my gracious hostess and psychology student) and I posing in front of the House.

This has Carl Jung written all over it--this archetype talk. Dreams, psychoanalysis, the whole deal. 

I love all this psychological, psycho-spiritual stuff. So fun to me.

A few cherry trees peaking right before my very eyes. 

The Wanderer in my psyche wanted to see the cherry trees in DC, and last weekend I made it happen for her. It was gorgeous. I felt blessed. I was with friends that love and know me. It was a glorious spring day last Saturday. 

It was cool to see both the blooming and the peaking. 

It is safe to say that the Wandering part of my psyche is greedy. She wants to go everywhere. I mean, everywhere. Except for Alaska, Antarctica, Greenland, and northern parts of Canada. She even wants to go to the moon!

Mary Brette and Stuart

I realize that talking about my own personality like this is somewhat schizophrenic. 

They are from Nashville too. Nothing like being with close friends who have been with you through a lot. Longevity is important. These girls knew me through some dark days. 

But it is the manifesting archetype in my mind, at this point. Maybe always. Who knows? A lot of people's whole lives are dominated by one archetype. The important thing is: don't repress it. Repressed  parts of the mind end up acting out in bad ways. People who repress the Wanderer part of the mind end up doing crazy stuff. Leaving, losing it, getting all out of balance, depression, a constantly daydreaming mind. 

Nothing wrong with daydreams but at some point, you've got to get on with it.  

At the Reflecting Pool, the Lincoln Memorial behind us. 

A lot of the times, your dominant and weaker archetypes are determined by your culture and family. If the Wanderer is not strong in your genes or encouraged in your family/culture, there is a good chance you don't really like to travel or don't want to live anywhere else. That's you, and that's okay. But my Wanderer was definitely encouraged, bolstered even. 

The old Post Office--beautiful building. 

The other archetypes are the Orphan, Warrior, Altruist, Innocent, and Magician.

Packed National Mall. So. Many. People. From the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. 

You got to respect where a person is on their journey. If you can't understand why someone you love wants to live in a different country, or wants to quit his job to write a book, or is constantly daydreaming, you have to respect they are at that stage. Their psyche wants to express that part. It will manifest, positively or negatively. 

Ole Abe made me homesick for Jackson. I don't know, they both seem so wise.  They both have beards. Is it so wrong to compare my dog to a revered president? 

Anyway, you might be going through a Warrior phase, and your gut is telling you start some kind of challenge or endeavor that you fear starting. So your Warrior might be coming out by arguing or fighting with someone you care about, or any stranger you meet. A repressed archetype is dangerous. Let it out. Let that part of you fly. 

Speaking of Warrior phases--Thomas Jefferson. America's first author. 

Jefferson was aware of the need to respect the changing tides of people, the different phases of people and, in consequence, the nations of those people. Check out the quote below:

If you can't read this that well, my bad. Basically, TJ says that governments need to change with the times, with the people. That old laws sometimes won't work for new times. No unnecessary changes, but changes that speak explicitly to the equal rights of all humans. Something we need to pay attention to right now, especially. 

We're talking about integrity, which means to be an integrated being. Ignoring parts of the psyche does not equal integrated. We've got to integrate every part of our minds, even the parts that want to do crazy things. What are those parts trying to say? Are we repressing something? 

Pull it together over there.

We're talking about balance too. We're talking about facing parts of personality that might have been screaming for years for attention. In what ways have they been repressed, ignored, and emerged like an angry teenager later in life? 

At the MLK Memorial, there were powerful quotes from his speeches. I loved this one, and the one that follows.

Respect and compassion for others, attention and alert awareness for ourselves. 

No repression, no depression, no oppression.

I believe in the soul, mind and body. I think the soul informs the mind which then informs the body. 

I've got to let that gypsy girl out! She talks way too much.

Wanderingly,

Liza Jane

All You Need is Love

Remember how I told y'all that I was soooo good at April Fool's Day, yesterday?

I forgot to knock on wood. I forgot to remember that I am in fact not the mentally toughest person in the world. 

Girl (or boy), I got tricked. And it came from the most unexpected place. About 30 minutes after I told Will I was going to South America for the summer to get an Ayurveda certification (he believed and was shocked), I dropped my phone on the floor while I was carrying a pile of laundry so I couldn't pick it up. Will was walking behind me and picked it up for me.

"Your screen is shattered."

"Dang, really? I knew that was going to happen since I took my cover off! Dang! Man, I knew it!"

He set the phone down on the counter, and I walked over. It was perfectly fine.

"April Fools!"

He got me. In a perfect way: so easy and believable, built into the very fabric of our lives, not overly dramatic, but simple and sneaky. 

After all my bragging. The one I least expected to trick me. But at least I had just gotten him. 

Lately, I have been feeling guilty. This is not good. It's not that I've done anything overwhelmingly terrible; I think it's all the little things that aren't aligned with my values.

I was raised Catholic. We went into the scary little room to confess our sins face to face with a priest every week I believe. After high school, my conscience was no longer. Thank goodness, it has developed again. But now I'm like, "Dang, conscience. Get out of here. You make me feel like poop!"

So I thought, in light of the sacrificial manner of Easter and its events, I would go on and confess my unconsciousness, light up the darkness. To y'all, my wonderful blog audience. (By the way, I wonder about y'all all the time. Is it just my dad and some close friends from Nashville? Or are there more of you out there?)

So here goes nothing. 

I'm sorry for:

-being righteous (big one)

-being late

-judging

-driving over the speed limit 

-procrastinating

-forgetting gratitude

-being preachy and hypocritically forgetting to practice (most guilt there)

-not giving and loving as much as I want to

-inauthenticity

-being a judgmental hypocrite (oh, have I basically said that?)

-being jealous

-lacking self-discipline

-resisting the moment

-getting caught up in the tiny thoughts and things that won't be worth a darn in no time

-road rage (genetically inclined)

-the my-way-or-the-highway mentality I sometimes fall into

-perfectionism

-pizza and cookies

-ice cream too

-over-reacting rebellions

-being fearful and paralyzed in the face of my big dreams and goals

-believing in optimism and positive energy to nth degree, and then turning around with a cynical comment attached to negative energy

-the fact that I know better

These are just a few. I realize it looks like I'm being hard on myself. But somebody's got to do it! I've got to call myself out. Because if somebody like my husband does it, I'll be committing all of the above. 

I feel so much better, honestly. Now that you know most of the dark things about me. Now you can say to yourself, "Dang, this girl has some baggage." And you might not want to come here anymore to read this insane girl's comments on life.

Or we could start over? Now you know. Perhaps, you're suffering from some of these things too. No?  Come on, look deeper. You don't have to blog about it. Just bring it into the light. Transparency = Clarity. 

Anyway, I want to talk about the things I love. I'm sure you've gotten the gist of what they are: (in no specific order):

-yoga

-holistic nutrition and wellness

-spirituality

-travel

-people I love

-books and writing

-ideas and imagination/abundance/creativity

-my dog and/or my husband

-natural life on the farm

-sometimes fashion/design (mostly will continue complaining about that topic)

Shaving and trimming this blog into things that I love only. So that I can better serve/love you. When you got love, you really don't need anything else, do you? Got to have passion too. 

Maya Angelou said, "When you learn, teach." So I guess I enjoy both learning and teaching. And when I find something that enlightens me, I'd love to pass it on to you. This is a wellness blog on a very different level, incorporating all facets of your life into one whole, happy existence. 

There's nothing wrong with love, and there's nothing wrong with giving yourself some help. If you think there is, perhaps you should question the voice that tells you so.

Lovingly,

Liza Jane