Blue Christmas

Coming back from Colorado was the perfect storm. It was a great trip that I will never forget. Skiing was so fun, friends were awesome, the Ritz was great, and it snowed a ton. The perfect trip.

Coming back was another story. It was the perfect storm. We missed our flight departing from Denver. My fault completely. So we got a flight to Dallas-Fort Worth, but missed our connecting flight to Jackson. So we had to stay in Dallas. 

We could not be confirmed on a flight out to Jackson until 3 Monday afternoon. But we were told to get on standby for the three morning flights that were full. We finally got on the one that left at 1. When we got to Jackson, our luggage was not with us, surprise surprise. And my keys to my car were in my bag. I'm a smart one. But luckily, I left the car unlocked! Yes, for 5 days I left my car unlocked in the Jackson, Mississippi long-term parking at the airport. Unbelievable. 

Add the wrong time of the month with some marital strains, plus the stresses of Christmastime and missing work. Plus hanging around the airport with every screen buzzing about the massacre of innocent children, and you've got a perfect formula for an uncontrollably emotional Liza. I could not, for the life of me, be positive. My impatience and self-doubt were through the roof. I was argumentative and cried probably 17 times. I am just now recovering, and I still don't think the buoyant me is back yet. 

No help to anybody, except maybe someone saw me and thought it was a good example of what not to act like.

I wasn't a monster or anything, but I'm definitely not proud of my behavior. But it was what it was.

I'm so thankful to be home after all that. Grateful to be home for Christmas. Still some emotional remnants brewing, but everything is slipping back into place. 

You can't help what you feel. I tried my best to accept it, but it was very hard Sunday night and all day Monday. I think about what people associated with the shooting are going through, and I am ashamed to take one day or person for granted. When you feel negative, negative instances occur. Something I know for sure. 

I said Let It Snow, and that it did (also snowed a bunch in Vail the days before we left).

But it is no help being hard on one's self. There is so much suffering, and mine is inadequate compared to what's going on in the world. Take my own pain and multiply by 7 billion for the world, and that's why I have to be strong in times like that. I can't serve when I feel depleted. It was all an immense learning experience. I can call it a nightmare all I want, but it is nothing compared to the real nightmares all over the world. My stresses of finding the perfect gift for someone are nothing compared to the stresses of violence and grief. All about perspective. 

So today I am grateful for my life, for the traveling experience I just had. I still love to travel even through all that happened. Unconditional love. 

Sun sparkling on the water. One of my favorite displays where I live. 

I am home, witnessing as I write this, the little private show God puts on in my backyard just for me. I am forgiven. Always. So are you. Let's start having a merry Christmas. 

Apologetically,

Liza Jane